Tuesday, May 3, 2011

250 Good Things about Unemployment

250. Now that they have found Osama bin Laden, can they find me a job?  I've enlisted some help, but my friends may be digging in the wrong spot.


249. You are the unemployed representative at Career Day at your kid’s school. You get a free lunch.
248.  You miss the next downsizing, headcount reduction, lay-off, streamlining, furloughing or anti-redundancy maneuver.  
247. You sit in the swamp and act like you are a National Geographic videographer. You zoom in on the vocal sac of a Northern Spring Peeper, a tiny frog with a shrill voice and a built in amplifier. You wait for your academy award nomination.
246. You don’t have to say, “Have a nice day!”

245. You don’t have to buy anything from your co-workers like Girl Scout cookies, candy bars, magazines, Avon products, cookie dough, gift wrap or the boss's body parts after dismemberment.

244. You don't worry about getting promoted.

243. Technical support means finding a recipe on-line.
242. You manage unemployment by wandering around (MBWA) with your dogs. Here are some tips: 
  • Appear relaxed as you wander. 
  • Try to spend an equal amount of time with each dog.
  • Talk with them about their passions--perhaps, squirrels, chipmunks and biscuits. 
  • Ask for suggestions for improvement and then ignore them.
  • Catch a dog doing something right, like not pooping on the path, and praise him. 
  • Remain open and responsive to their concerns.
  • Convey an image of a coach, not a dog catcher.
  • Give them water when you stop wandering on a hot day. On cool days, there is no need for refreshment.  
241. You make your first video: A wood frog croaking in search of love, or at least fertilization.

240. You spend your day watching mating wood frogs in a swamp. You discover the joy of frog fornication.

239. No bursts of toxic fragrance in the privy. Some employers think chemical deodorizers are non-monetary incentives in the workplace restroom. Instead, they promote headaches and tinkling in your office trashcan.

 238. You form a strategic partnership. You apply for the jobs and your partner gets you the interviews.  Make sure he shows his teeth, however, and will get mean with mammals other than squirrels.

237. You get to use all those soaps, shampoos and shower caps you collected on your business trips. 

236. You have a parking place.

235. You are home to enjoy the lovely spring weather of snow squalls.  No wonder I’m under the weather.

234. You are President of your Human Resources.

233. You get up so late, your first meal is lunch, thereby practicing a new weight-loss method. I feel slimmer already.

232. You have access to porn websites and can't get caught like your Congressman. 

231. The corporate lobotomy wears off.

230. You are no longer inspired by your company’s mission and vision. You are on a mission from god. It's dark and you are wearing sunglasses, you've got a full tank of gas (metaphorically) and somebody's gotta hire you.

229. You miss your sick co-workers who come in coughing with dripping noses, in order to save sick days to use when they are well.  NOT.

228. You don’t smell what your cubicle-mate is eating for lunch, or any discharge during digestion either. 

227. You are usually not, hardly ever, sleep-deprived.  I would say never, but there are some of us ups (unemployed persons) who cannot sleep due to high anxiety.  I am not one of those.  In fact, this gray and snowy winter has enabled me to sleep 12 hours a night. With fewer hours than that, a nap has been required.

226. Reorganization means moving the couch.

225. You don’t have to watch Curtis Kiss-Ass win the perfect attendance award again this year.


224. You have windows that open. And if you jump, it is just a few feet.

223. You don’t have to keep Stan awake during staff meetings.  
At one of my former workplaces, a rather round co-worker fell asleep several times a day and always at staff meetings. He was the IT guy. We had an unspoken deal. I'd sit next to him and jab him when he started snoring. And I got quick service when my computer was down. 

222. You don’t have to return after the fire drill. 
I worked at a public law firm with a legend of an attorney who never returned to work after the building caught fire. Folks saw him leave the building, but he just kept walking. And he had nothing to do with the fire. The boss told me that story when I was interviewing for a job there. I  took the job.  

221. You train the intern to wash your laundry and update your resume, and reward him with salutatory praise, such as, "What are you making us for lunch?"

220. You practice Total Quality Management (TQM) with your dogs. You are Executive Management. They are the Quality Control Circle (QCC) unable to make decisions affecting Executive Management, but assisted with these Quality Control (QC) tools:
  • the cause and effect diagram revealing key relationships with respect to products like poop,
  • check sheets available for collecting real-time data on tasks such as chasing the annoying guy who zooms down our dirt road in the golf cart and swings the stick (even though there is no golf course remotely close and there is several feet of snow on the ground),  
  • the scatter diagram to determine the relationship between water intake and lifting one’s leg,
  • control charts used when trapped inside overnight,
  • Pareto diagrams for charting the relative frequency of reasons why we can’t catch every chipmunk,   
  • histograms useful when measuring a particularly perfect distribution of dog doo, and, of course,
  • graphs to help identify the annoying characteristics of Executive Management.
There is the appropriate amount of lag time between when the QCC's recommendations have been submitted and when nothing is done. But, the dogs continue to Circle and occasionally sleep on the job. You offer biscuits to them at regular intervals.
219. You inventory your stuff to sell on eBay: five boxes of file folders, two boxes of white board markers and 10 boxes of unsharpened pencils you stole from your employer the day you got the axe; the staplers, tape dispensers, sticky notes and mouse pads you received as going away gifts from your co-workers, and the slightly damaged microwave you threw out the fire exit triggering the building alarm and the security guard chase.  

218. There is no IT administrator who requires you to change passwords every month, forcing you to tape your password to your computer screen to remember it.

217. You don’t have to pretend you are enjoying the staff retreat where they are serving hot dogs but you are a vegetarian, and the boss drops you during the trust exercise.

216. You could care less who moved the cheese.

215. You are safe at home when the paradigm shifts.

214. You don’t have to worry about the Inspector General finding your illegal toaster in your cubicle.

213. You celebrate your birthday by not working. And sleeping in, moving from the bed to the couch in front of a burning fireplace, then to a hot bath...Oh, the stress of it all. Almost time for lunch.

212. No more business clich├ęs. It’s a win-win.


211. You don’t trigger the fire alarm thereby evacuating your building while burning microwave popcorn, and then the whole floor hates your guts when they return because they have to breathe that putrid smell, so you go out and purchase cookies for everyone including the greedy boss, but you still feel like a dumb-shit.  

210. The refrigerator bandit doesn’t steal your sack lunch.  

A few years ago, I worked at a health clinic where we only had a half-hour for lunch, so we didn’t have enough time to go to a restaurant and there was no fast food nearby. We all stored our lunches in an old refrigerator in an unoccupied room.

This practice was successful until someone began taking one of our lunches each day. The thief seemed to be indiscriminate for a while and many of us, including myself, were victims. We grumbled and tried to share when someone came up short. Then, one day, our greedy boss was hit, and we all privately cheered the bandit.  The boss went from office to office, exclaiming her astonishment that her lunch was not in the refrigerator. I don't believe she was even offered a replacement mint.

(This boss, by the way, would often eat her lunch during 1:00 p.m. staff meetings in front of our Muslim medical director during Ramadan.) 

Somehow, that week, the odds were against the boss and she was hit several times until she began to store her lunch in her office. The bandit moved on—our turnover rate was over 50%—and those of us who remained mourned his evident departure.
209. You can tinkle outside the cup.

208. You are not climbing the corporate ladder. You are not descending the corporate ladder. You are not on the corporate ladder. You are just monkeying around, job application after job application.

207. You don’t have to overhear your boss’s conversations to get information about your job.

206. You are no longer a team member. This is particularly good when someone on the team lies, cheats and yells.


205. No high-dollar business consultant will tell you how to work smarter, not harder, and then take the boss to a bar across the street.


204. You don’t care who got the free parking place for February. 

203. You don't get cut on the glass ceiling. 

202. The CEO does not make 202 times your salary. 


201. It is not your day to bring the doughnuts.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

249th Good Thing about Unemployment

You are the unemployed representative at Career Day at your kid’s school. You get a free lunch.

Friday, April 29, 2011

248th Good Thing about Unemployment

You miss the next downsizing, headcount reduction, lay-off, streamlining, furloughing or anti-redundancy maneuver.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

247th Good Thing about Unemployment


You sit in the swamp and act like you are a National Geographic videographer. You zoom in on the vocal sac of a Northern Spring Peeper, a tiny frog with a shrill voice and a built in amplifier. You wait for your academy award nomination.

Monday, April 25, 2011

246th Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t have to say, “Have a nice day!”

Sunday, April 24, 2011

245th Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t have to buy anything from your co-workers like Girl Scout cookies, candy bars, magazines, Avon products, cookie dough, gift wrap or the boss's body parts after dismemberment.

Friday, April 22, 2011

243rd Good Thing about Unemployment

Technical support means finding a recipe on-line.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

242nd Good Thing about Unemployment

You manage unemployment by wandering around (MBWA) with your dogs.
Here are some tips:
  1. Appear relaxed as you wander. 
  2. Try to spend an equal amount of time with each dog.
  3. Talk with them about their passions--perhaps, squirrels, chipmunks and biscuits.
  4. Ask for suggestions for improvement and then ignore them.
  5. Catch a dog doing something right, like not pooping on the path, and praise him.
  6. Remain open and responsive to their concerns.
  7. Convey an image of a coach, not a dog catcher.
  8. Give them water when you stop wandering on a hot day. On cool days, there is no need for refreshment. 

    Thursday, April 14, 2011

    241st Good Thing about Unemployment

    You make your first video: A wood frog croaking in search of love, or at least fertilization.

    Wednesday, April 13, 2011

    240th Good Thing about Unemployment


    You spend your day watching mating wood frogs in a swamp. You discover the joy of frog fornication.

    Thursday, April 7, 2011

    239th Good Thing about Unemployment

     
    No bursts of toxic fragrance in the privy. Some employers think chemical deodorizers are non-monetary incentives in the workplace restroom. Instead, they promote headaches and tinkling in your office trashcan.

    Monday, April 4, 2011

    238th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You form a strategic partnership. You apply for the jobs and your partner gets you the interviews.  Make sure he shows his teeth, however, and will get mean with mammals other than squirrels.

    Wednesday, March 30, 2011

    237th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You get to use all those soaps, shampoos and shower caps you collected on your business trips. 


    Monday, March 28, 2011

    We will work

    The pool of unemployed families is at an all-time high
    Last week, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported the proportion of families with an unemployed family member was the highest ever or since 1994 when they started reporting this figure. In 2010, 12.4% of families or 9.7 million families included an unemployed person (u.p.). This is one in eight families, an increase from 12.0% in 2009. 

    Of course, not included in these figures are those who are underemployed, or those working part-time or lower-paying jobs, in order to survive; those who retired early to avoid being laid-off; and those who have given up looking for work. Some of the latter are trying to learn to be self-employed like myself and income isn’t that great for quite a while. And there are those self-employed who have far less work to do. A couple of our neighbors are in this category.

    236th Good Thing about Unemployment
    You have a parking place.

    Unemployed persons are facing mass discrimination
    Also this month, U.S. Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) drafted legislation adding unemployed persons to the protected groups under the Civil Rights Act. It would be illegal for employers to refuse to hire an unemployed person.  This is in response to the current trend of employers only hiring currently employed workers further displacing the unemployed.

    181st Good Thing about Unemployment
    You don't have to wear a bra.

    Locally
    I last worked Albany, NY, in the non-profit sector. It is the public and non-profit sectors that have taken the lion’s share of the lay-offs in this Capital city. Our region lost more work than all but three other areas in 2010 according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. We lost 6,400 jobs and our Governor is threatening to lay-off 10,000 more. One in four workers here is employed by state or local government. And there are a lot of others who work for non-profit organizations who do the work of government.
    152nd Good Thing about Unemployment
    When you have a big zit, no one at the office stares at it.
    So, what to do
    I’m one of the ups, trying to make folks aware there is a problem. And although there is absolutely horrible misery in Japan, Libya, Syria and Egypt, at least one in eight families here need a job. It is simple. We will work. Hire us. 

    178th Good Thing about Unemployment
    Your best friend tries to tell you something when you ask, “How do I look for this interview?”

    Friday, March 25, 2011

    235th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You are home to enjoy the lovely spring weather of snow squalls.  No wonder I’m under the weather.

    Friday, March 18, 2011

    233rd Good Thing about Unemployment

    You get up so late, your first meal is lunch, thereby practicing a new weight-loss method. 
    Yesterday, I ate everything in sight. It seems once a month or more, this happens. Today, I just slept and slept so I could skip a meal. I feel slimmer already. 

    Thursday, March 17, 2011

    232nd Good Thing about Unemployment

     
    You have access to porn websites. 
    Can you believe I couldn’t find any decent clip art for this one? 
    Okay, I didn’t try too hard.


    Sunday, March 13, 2011

    230th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You are no longer inspired by your company’s mission and vision. You are on a mission from god. It's dark and you are wearing sunglasses, but you've got a full tank of gas (metaphorically) and somebody's gotta hire you.

    Saturday, March 12, 2011

    229th Good Thing about Unemployment


    You miss your sick co-workers who come in coughing with dripping noses, in order to save sick days to use when they are well.  NOT.

    Friday, March 11, 2011

    228th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You don’t smell what your cubicle-mate is eating for lunch, or any discharge during digestion either. 

    Wednesday, March 9, 2011

    227th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You are usually not, hardly ever, sleep-deprived.  I would say never, but there are some of us ups (unemployed persons) who cannot sleep due to high anxiety.  I am not one of those.  In fact, this gray and snowy winter has enabled me to sleep 12 hours a night. With fewer hours than that, a nap has been required.

    Thursday, March 3, 2011

    225th Good Thing about Unemployment

    You don’t have to watch Curtis Kiss-Ass win the perfect attendance award again this year. 

    Wednesday, March 2, 2011

    Tuesday, March 1, 2011

    223rd Good Thing about Unemployment

    You don’t have to keep Stan awake during staff meetings. 

    At one of my former workplaces, a rather round co-worker fell asleep several times a day and always at staff meetings. He was the IT guy. We had an unspoken deal. I'd sit next to him and jab him when he started snoring. And I got quick service when my computer was down.

    Monday, February 28, 2011

    222nd Good Thing about Unemployment


    You don’t have to return after the fire drill.  

    Truthfully, I worked at a public law firm with a legend of an attorney who never returned to work after the building caught fire. Folks saw him leave the building, but he just kept walking. And he had nothing to do with the fire. The boss told me that story when I was interviewing for a job there. I still took the job. 

    Thursday, February 24, 2011

    221st Good Thing about Unemployment

    You train the intern to wash your laundry and update your resume, and reward him with salutatory praise, such as, "What are you making us for lunch?"

    Tuesday, February 22, 2011

    220th Good Thing about Unemployment

     Buddy, Snott and Daisy at work

    You practice Total Quality Management (TQM) with your dogs. You are Executive Management. They are the Quality Control Circle (QCC) unable to make decisions affecting Executive Management, but assisted with these Quality Control (QC) tools:
    • the cause and effect diagram revealing key relationships with respect to products like poop,
    • check sheets available for collecting real-time data on tasks such as chasing the annoying guy who zooms down our dirt road in the golf cart and swings the stick (even though there is no golf course remotely close and there is several feet of snow on the ground),  
    • the scatter diagram to determine the relationship between water intake and lifting one’s leg,
    • control charts used when trapped inside overnight,
    • Pareto diagrams for charting the relative frequency of reasons why we can’t catch every chipmunk,   
    • histograms useful when measuring a particularly perfect distribution of dog doo, and, of course,
    • graphs to help identify the annoying characteristics of Executive Management.
    There is the appropriate amount of lag time between when the QCC's recommendations have been submitted and when nothing is done. But, the dogs continue to Circle and occasionally sleep on the job. You offer biscuits to them at regular intervals.