Monday, February 28, 2011

222nd Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t have to return after the fire drill.  

Truthfully, I worked at a public law firm with a legend of an attorney who never returned to work after the building caught fire. Folks saw him leave the building, but he just kept walking. And he had nothing to do with the fire. The boss told me that story when I was interviewing for a job there. I still took the job. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

221st Good Thing about Unemployment

You train the intern to wash your laundry and update your resume, and reward him with salutatory praise, such as, "What are you making us for lunch?"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

220th Good Thing about Unemployment

 Buddy, Snott and Daisy at work

You practice Total Quality Management (TQM) with your dogs. You are Executive Management. They are the Quality Control Circle (QCC) unable to make decisions affecting Executive Management, but assisted with these Quality Control (QC) tools:
  • the cause and effect diagram revealing key relationships with respect to products like poop,
  • check sheets available for collecting real-time data on tasks such as chasing the annoying guy who zooms down our dirt road in the golf cart and swings the stick (even though there is no golf course remotely close and there is several feet of snow on the ground),  
  • the scatter diagram to determine the relationship between water intake and lifting one’s leg,
  • control charts used when trapped inside overnight,
  • Pareto diagrams for charting the relative frequency of reasons why we can’t catch every chipmunk,   
  • histograms useful when measuring a particularly perfect distribution of dog doo, and, of course,
  • graphs to help identify the annoying characteristics of Executive Management.
There is the appropriate amount of lag time between when the QCC's recommendations have been submitted and when nothing is done. But, the dogs continue to Circle and occasionally sleep on the job. You offer biscuits to them at regular intervals.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

219th Good Thing about Unemployment

You inventory your stuff to sell on eBay: five boxes of file folders, two boxes of white board markers and 10 boxes of unsharpened pencils you stole from your employer the day you got the axe; the staplers, tape dispensers, sticky notes and mouse pads you received as going away gifts from your co-workers, and the slightly damaged microwave you threw out the fire exit triggering the building alarm and the security guard chase.    

Friday, February 18, 2011

218th Good Thing about Unemployment

There is no IT administrator who requires you to change passwords every month, forcing you to tape your password to your computer screen to remember it.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

217th Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t have to pretend you are enjoying the staff retreat where they are serving hot dogs but you are a vegetarian, and the boss drops you during the trust exercise.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

216th Good Thing about Unemployment

You could care less who moved the cheese.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

215th Good Thing about Unemployment

You are safe at home when the paradigm shifts.


Friday, February 11, 2011

214th Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t have to worry about the Inspector General finding your illegal toaster in your cubicle. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

213th Good Thing about Unemployment

You celebrate your birthday by not working.
And sleeping in, moving from the bed to the couch in front of a burning fireplace, then to a hot bath...Oh, the stress of it all.
Almost time for lunch.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

212th Good Thing about Unemployment

No more business clich├ęs. 
It’s a win-win.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

211th Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t trigger the fire alarm thereby evacuating your building while burning microwave popcorn, and then the whole floor hates your guts when they return because they have to breathe that putrid smell, so you go out and purchase cookies for everyone including the greedy boss, but you still feel like a dumb-shit. 

Monday, February 7, 2011

210th Good Thing about Unemployment

The refrigerator bandit doesn’t steal your sack lunch.  

A few years ago, I worked at a health clinic where we only had a half-hour for lunch, so we didn’t have enough time to go to a restaurant and there was no fast food nearby. We all stored our lunches in an old refrigerator in an unoccupied room.   

This practice was successful until someone began taking one of our lunches each day. The thief seemed to be indiscriminate for a while and many of us, including myself, were victims. We grumbled and tried to share when someone came up short. Then, one day, our greedy boss was hit, and we all privately cheered the bandit.  The boss went from office to office, exclaiming her astonishment that her lunch was not in the refrigerator. I don't believe she was offered even a replacement mint.

(This boss, by the way, would often eat her lunch during 1:00 p.m. staff meetings, even in front of our Muslim medical director during Ramadan.) 

Somehow, that week, the odds were against the boss and she was hit several times until she began to store her lunch in her office.

The bandit moved on—our turnover rate was over 50%—and those of us who remained mourned his evident departure.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

209th Good Thing about Unemployment

You can tinkle outside the cup.


Friday, February 4, 2011

208th Good Thing about Unemployment

You are not climbing the corporate ladder.
 You are not descending the corporate ladder.
 You are not on the corporate ladder.

You are just monkeying around, job application after job application. 
Thanks to M.C. Escher. 
An exhibit of his work is currently at the Berkshire Museum in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

207th Good Thing about Unemployment

You don’t have to overhear your boss’s conversations to get information about your job.
Wish I could draw, 
but I couldn't do better than this clip art. 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

206th Good Thing about Unemployment

You are no longer a team member. This is particularly good when someone on the team lies, cheats and yells.

I chose Word's worst clip art defining a team.  

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

205th Good Thing about Unemployment

No high-dollar business consultant will tell you how to work smarter, not harder, and then take the boss to a bar 
across the street.