Sunday, March 7, 2010

78 Good Things about Unemployment

78. You are thinner. The Washington Post reports that fast food breakfast sales are down because the unemployed don’t stop there anymore on their way to work. Instead, they eat cereal at home or don’t eat at all. A sausage and egg McMuffin is 450 calories, with more than half from fat. Eating nothing is considerably lower than that. It stands to reason then that we are thinner as a result. I didn’t need to study it. If you find contrary evidence, let me know. I’ll ignore it.

77. You play the lottery. You win Mega Millions. I'm back to the imagining thing again. If you want a laugh, go to this website and watch the short video on how to play. It shows you how to walk to the store:

76. You create cash. You take a box of books to a second hand store; they buy three for $6. You find a receipt for a purchase at K-Mart so you return the blue light special, collecting $42.39. You recycle 23 bottles for $1.27; you get the 10% bonus. After all that work, you have a beer for $3. Today’s net income: $46.66.

75. Paying bills doesn’t take long. Nothing coming in, nothing going out. Collectors call you. You sit still and retreat to your snow fort. Only the snow fleas find you and a dog when he lifts his leg.

74. You volunteer. You choose a place where you will make new friends and learn of opportunities. You are excited. You go there several times and conduct your tasks alone. Sometimes you dust, which you don't even do at home, but the dust mites are friendly.

73. You imagine. You invent a software gadget that easily removes everything invented by computer geeks, who think this stuff is indispensable, but only cause you repeated frustration. The new gadget is called the Sheba. You never have to work for another idiot again. As John Lennon sings, You may say I'm a dreamer.

72. You love the one you're with. You.

71. You snowshoe swiftly down a steep slope without poles and forethought. You plod back up, sweating. Your dog steps on one of your snowshoes. You are no longer going up. You now have evidence there is two feet of snow--in your underwear.

///  For Good Things numbered 61 through 70, see 70 Good Things about Unemployment posted February 27, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 52 through 60, see 60 Good Things about Unemployment posted February 10, 2010.
For Good Thing numbered 51, see 51 Good Things about Unemployment posted February 1, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 26 through 50, see 50 Good Things about Unemployment posted on January 31, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 1 through 25, see 25 Good Things about Unemployment posted on January 6, 2010. \\\

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