Sunday, January 31, 2010

50 Good Things about Unemployment

50. Sex. This week, UPI reported on a Texas A&M study published in the journal Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity that found lengthy unemployment may increase sexual appetite.  I'm waiting.

49. When your doctor makes you wait over an hour to see her on your last day of health insurance, it just doesn't matter.

48. No need to go outside when it is two degrees. I'm not bedding down with the deer tonight. My mama told me there’d be days like this.

47. You can unpack keepsakes left to you and repack them until you leave them to your offspring who will unpack and repack them.

46. You can make your own TV dinners, instant coffee or Tang. Let Lester and Charlie show you how:  These guys are hysterical.

45. When your car breaks down, you don’t have to worry about getting to work.

44. You can ponder. I’ve been thinking about the word, rodeo. It has three long vowels and only five letters. Wow. Or rather, yeehaw.
43. You can get a bunch of credit cards before the banks know you have no income. For the banks, this is also a good thing. I have so many now I need a new genuine cowhide leather slim line credit card holder. And I'm a vegetarian.

42. You can watch your dogs snore and twitch.

41. You can run out of the house as soon as the winter sun shines provided you already have your boots laced, unzip your parka, unzip your gray sweatshirt, unzip your navy sweatshirt, pull up your t-shirt and soak in the sun for the 11 minutes that it shines. So far, the neighbors haven’t objected. I have such small breasts that the little things might not even be visible from across the road. I’ve told them this practice was recommended by my doctor who claims my Vitamin D is so low I could have Rickets.

40. Naps are necessary. Yesterday, I slept for hours on the couch after reading a New Yorker story. Earlier, I took a hike in the woods and shoveled more of our long gravel drive where my car had gotten stuck the night before. The Honda is buried again this morning. And I’m sure the town’s road crew has piled the snow at the end of the drive. Real exercise ahead. Update: Our kind neighbor with a snowplow did the work for me. I think an outing is in order. I’ll go get gas.

39. Your alarm clock doesn’t go off, on purpose.

38. You can make habitat for the snow fleas. If you make tracks in the snow today, the snow fleas will be there tomorrow as long as the temperature is still around freezing. The last few days have been balmy—almost 40 degrees. Stick your nose in yesterday’s tracks and watch the snow fleas jump. (Link to a video of a magnified snow flea jumping: ) A little guy is there, then he isn’t. Now, he has switched places with a friend. Possibly the perfect mates.

37. You can spend the morning admiring the sticky snowstorm and cleaning up dog diarrhea. I have spared you a photo of the latter. What a beautiful morning, outside anyway. As for the dogs, they are now outside too. As for the diarrhea, we have big dogs. But whichever one it was, he made a good attempt at running to the bathroom. Why I don't know.

36. You can spend as much as time as you want in the bathroom.

35. Saturday is just another day. I'm making snow angels.

34. You do not wake up in the middle of the night haunted by work.

33. You can fart at your desk.

32. There is no one to argue with. However, I have been known to carry on with the dogs.

31. You get to eat the cheapest thing on the menu. Last night, I ate an entire plateful of onion rings. It is even difficult for me to conjure up that image again. I'm in the process of expelling that good thing.

30. Your dog thanks you because you cannot afford the $300 teeth cleaning that the vet recommends.

29. There is no dress code.

28. You can watch the icicles not melting.

27. When the Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door, you are at home to discuss the evils of working too hard.

26. You find meaning in the dollar menu at Taco Bell.

If you'd like to read Good Things numbered 1 through 25, see the entry entitled, 25 Good Things about Unemployment.

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