Thursday, April 29, 2010

120 Good Things about Unemployment

111. You spend yesterday ferreting out a disagreeable smell, sniffing like a dog under cabinets, pulling junk out of closets and finally finding the source first thing this morning. Yes, you set that mouse trap awhile back and forgot about it. Don’t do that again. And especially before breakfast.

112. When five airlines say they won’t charge for carryon baggage, you devise a scheme with your girlfriend to bring you on her next business trip. You just have to lose a few pounds.

113. You visit the Village Beautiful and take photos. Walden and Spring streets cross at a parking lot. Something seems amiss.

114. Nobody can beat you at Solitaire. All 1,723 versions of it, including Premier Super Precision High-Tech Grand Prix Turbo with Wicked Performance Solitaire.

115. You may have your doubts some days, but deep down you know you can withstand this ordeal, not unlike these quarters that have been standing for the last 200 years. Well, maybe leaning.

116. Your dog won’t be wearing Sexy Beast cologne. Yesterday, the Huffington Post published a hysterical photo collage by Katla McGlynn featuring The Stupidest Pet Products Ever Invented. I won’t be purchasing Sexy Beast for $65 or the Hot Doll Sex Toy for Dogs no matter what it costs. Scan the reader notes too; lots of defensive comments from people who actually have purchased the products for their pets.

117. You cancel your trash service that costs $22/month. You load your garbage and recycling into your Smart Car. Although you are sitting on your wine bottles and some jerk in the family didn’t compost a not-so-recent meal forcing you to stuff newspaper up your nostrils, you manage the 17-mile drive to the transfer station. As you sort everything into the bins (cardboard, green glass, brown glass, clear glass, metal, plastic, paper and garbage), the genial old-timer who works there stares at your behind and asks if you’re okay. You notice that several cars are waiting for you to finish, you’ve mixed your brown and green glass, and your butt is soaked in Merlot.

118. We bee happy. Here’s the buzz: Career Cast has rated the most stressful jobs, while saying that workplace stress damages productivity, mental well-being and physical health. The senior corporate executive is one of the top five most stressful jobs. No sympathy here.  And for Bobby McFerrin’s Don’t Worry, Be Happy including Robin Williams:

119. When it snows like crazy on April 28, you are at home to curse and moan and take photos. I am not in a good mood.

120. You follow New York State politics and wish you were related to Senate Majority Leader Pedro Espada, Jr, who seems to hire his family and pay them generously. According to the NY Attorney General, the Senator employed his son to run a janitorial service company that cleaned his health clinic. The janitors were paid $1.70/hour. Minimum wage is $7.25/hour. His son earned $150,000/year. They did not pay taxes. We elect such honorable folks in New York. The whole nation knows this.

\\\ For Good Things numbered 101 through 110, see 110 Good Things about Unemployment posted April 16, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 1 through 100, see 100 Good Things about Unemployment posted April 3, 2010. ///

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