Monday, June 14, 2010

148 Good Things about Unemployment

148. It is Monday and you do not have to listen to your coworker Lucifer go on about his weekend conquests.

147. You decide to return as a black fly. You and your girlfriends surround the head of your former boss. Bonnie flits into his nose. He exhales forcefully, but that action just attracts more of your friends. You dive into his ear canal and buzz loudly. Barbara hits the other ear and bats her broad wings on his eardrum. Several of your hungry sisters latch onto his endless forehead. You land on his nose where you use the blade in your mouth to slash the end. The gash is gorgeous. You signal your partners to drink and depart. You arrange another attack tomorrow. After all, you know when he gets off work.

Tips for Humans from a Sister Black Fly:
• We find carbon dioxide appealing, so don’t exhale.
• We crawl into sleeves, shirts, boots and pants, but especially like the human head where we irritate you the most. You will not be protected by a hat. Personally, I love the forehead.
• We are attracted to perspiration, deodorant, perfume, insecticide, dark colors and humans in general. Admit it. You can’t win.

146. You do not have to let your boss cut in line at the photocopy machine.

145. You watch spittle bugs. They are fascinating. The froth that looks like spit hides froghopper nymphs. But guess what? The substance is not spit. It comes from their behinds. Watch the spittle nymphs:

144. You make a strawberry-rhubarb pie on a rainy June morning. And while the pie is cooling, you eat an ice cream cone in anticipation.

143. You don’t eat Twinkies from the office vending machine. And then feel like you need to run around the block or throw-up.

142. You no longer have to nap sitting up with your eyes open, which is the only successful accommodation when attending business meetings.

141. Nobody cares if you lose your to-do list. And you don’t either.

\\\  For Good Things numbered 131 through 140, see 140 Good Things about Unemployment posted June 3, 2010.For Good Things numbered 121 through 130, see 130 Good Things about Unemployment posted May 14, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 111 through 120, see 120 Good Things about Unemployment posted April 29, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 101 through 110, see 110 Good Things about Unemployment posted April 16, 2010.
For Good Things numbered 1 through 100, see 100 Good Things about Unemployment posted April 3, 2010. ///

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